Saturday, August 1, 2009

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

We never had to much in common but that is what brought us together. I am totally into family, kids, reading, kids education, I have wanted a good husband and a big family all my life and I did get both so why am I complaining right? I am a homemaker with five little ones at home(ages 10,7,6,4,2). My husband works 3rd shift so he pretty much so sleeps all the time. when he is off he either goes out or takes a weekend trip to see his family,or he sleeps some more. He is not active with me or the kids. We don't even sleep in the same room half the time. I feel swamped between housework, hair combing(4 girls), cooking, doctors appointments, kids activities, homework and lets not forget my husband won't drive so I have to take him back and forth to work. I'm rushing trying to get this question out right now so I can get the kids up and get him. Yes I have a nice home and things and even though it is absolutly wonderful to be able to be there for my children, I feel like iv'e lost me.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

wow, I thought you said 4 kids, but 5 that's a handful. We have 3 kids at home, and my mother in law lives with us as well and she helps a whole lot, and still, my wife is really stressed.

Kids can be really crazy... they want a lot of attention.

The other thing is this night shift thing. If there was any way to change that, it would be the first thing I'd change. Graveyard shift and marriages just don't mix. I know it's easier said than done (finding another job), but I think he believes his family is worth it. His kids need him. He needs to be a lot more than a walking,talking paycheck. Even in my own marriage I'm realizing I need to help a lot more. I spend time with the kids pretty much every evening when I get home from work, and then during the week-end, but even that just isn't enough.

It sounds like you've got it real tough and you really need a break. The thing about not having things in common... I know about it. It's happening to us too and we only have 3 kids. That's because that's all we do all day and night, take care of the kids, and we have no time for ourselves to create things that we have in common. Memories can be created, but he has to be willing. It sounds to me like he needs to be talked to, but not nagged. Someone needs to lay it out for him, and then if he still won't make an effort to do something (no matter how small) to have quality time with you and the rest of the family, then I would start worrying. I wish you could both read the book "His needs/her needs". I know that some people think it's rather harsh, but it's good advice.

It is all about fulfilling each other's needs:

Need #1: She-Affection

Need #1: He-Sexual Fulfillment

Need #2: She-Conversation

Need #2: He-Recreational Companionship

Need #3: She-Honesty and Openness

Need #3: He-An Attractive Spouse

Need #4: She-Financial Support

Need #4: He-Domestic Support

Need #5: She-Family Commitment

Need #5: He-Admiration

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

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Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

Anthing worth keeping is worth fighting for.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

Having a good marriage is not something that just happens. You must make time for each other! You obviously have a sex life, since you have 5 kids. Do whatever it takes to get someone to take the kids for the weekend, and when your husband gets ready to leave, go with him!

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

Do you maintain your figure? Have you let him know how you feel? You have to let him know without nagging.

I worked nights before and did the same thing. I slept all the time too. I would recommend that he find another job if he cares for you.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

it seems like you both need a time out just for one night . just you and your husband. enjoy and great night just the both of you. this will take you both back to high school prom or first date night. just ask your parents or babysitter take care for your children for one night you both can spend the night 2gether.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

I think you are both overwhelmed by so many children. Every day they get a little bit older and it gets a little bit easier. This may sound silly, but I think you should write to Dr. Phil. He is most amazing at helping couples like you and your husband. Your husband needs to accept his responsibility as a husband and father and get with the program. You did not make those babies all by yourself!! Good luck and I sincerely hope everything works out for your family. You sound like a wonderful mom.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

And you have! So many women are the key to families now days cause of how society has changed. I think if it was possible to talk with your husband on how you feel so overwhelmed it could help. If he will not talk you need to find you a support group for yourself %26amp; reclaim who you are .I feel for you cause you got alot on your plate. Your husband can only do as much as you let him do.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

It sounds like you have lost you. You need to seriously have a heart-to-heart with your husband. Let him know that you're running yourself into the ground. If he visits family on the weekend, why don't you and the kids go? I mean you're part of that family too.

Good luck-

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

If your definition of a good husband is a guy who's not active with his wife and kids, doesn't help you with anything, sleeps alot, goes out at every opportunity, and sleeps with you half the time, I'd love to hear your definition of a lousy husband.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

No you have created a baby for a husband. Why are you driving him to work? Is he disabled? I have worked third shift it is a killer physically. But if he chooses to work it then he should be man enough to drive himself. I would be concerned about the weekend trips without you and the kids. This is a warning sign that needs to be talked about. Be careful. By the way you need a hobby to move frm the routine your in also. If he is choosing not to be a part of your lives operate without him.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

I am not a mom, but a wife. You need to set aside time for you and your husband for special time. Kinda like a dr. appt note it in your planner. Now for you, you need to find time for you and dont forget about you. You work just has hard as he does maybe more. Go to dinner with some girlfriends, get your hair done - my point is just do something special for you!!!!

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

sounds like u have timewith him in the car. Take advantage of it.

Request a datenight once a month.

ask for some pillow talk when you go to bed.

Get a sexy nightie and compliment him

A part of love is two people who make each other feel good.

get counseling if you can.

Take an evening walk and he stays with the kids.

It is common to feel like you when your kids are that age, and that loving romantic man you married is't there for you. Hon, this will change. They do grow up.

Try welcoming him home and hug and kiss him and thank him for working hard to support you all. A compliment goes far.

You have your hands full.Take some time for you. Once a week take YOU time. Have the hubby tend to the kids while you take a hot mineral bath. Shave your legs give yourself a facial. Cut your toe nails. Have peaceful music on. Light some candles. It will revive you/

Remember you can't take care of those you love until you take care of yourself.

Your kids are old enough to do some chores. Give them stars and if they do well they get a prize at the end of the week.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

You asked the question so it's already embedded in your mind that there's no hope.

This is due to the deep frustration level you've gone through each day and you don't see any reason for it to change anytime soon.

Can it be repaired?

1) Yes, if your husband feels the same way.

2) No, if your husband doesn't see it the same way.

3) Maybe, if both of you want it to work and if counseling can bring both of you back nearer to the same parallel with each other.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

it kind of sounds to me that you have taken over the roll as mother and father and he is willing to let this happen because he is too lazy....i am not trying to be rude but a man that has 5 kids and won't even learn to drive himself!!!!! my husband also works 3rd shift and two days a week he has a second job so i only get to see him on those days when he is getting dressed to leave.....we also sleep in different rooms because i have a bad back and our bed just makes it worse so i sleep on the couch, but i wouldn't say my marriage is lacking anything!!! we don't get to do alot together but we make sure what time we do have is good......have you tried talking to your husband about how you are feeling? maybe you two could spend some time together while you are teaching him how to drive!!!! and you need to get your kids to help you do some things around the house so it isn't all on you to do it...they are old enough for chores!!!! this is something else you and your husband could do together and after you two set up the chore list you could all sit down as a family and go over the list with the kids. you could even give the 2 %26amp; 4 year olds something small like picking up their toys and other small things like matter how small it is, it is still something you won't have to do yourself!!!

Good and your family will be in my prayers!!!

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

Go for counseling.It sounds to me like you dont work outside the home. Be glad, I know plenty of women who work full time and take care of kids. I am curious as to why your husband wont drive, but he sounds like great husband.He works his a$$ off to support you and the kids, so he has a right to some time for himself on weekends. If you need a break from the kids is there anyone who can help out for on weekends?

How you can feel you have lost you when this is what you wanted?

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

lets face it,,you,re his mum,carer,taxi,cook,pot and bottle washer,,,he hasnt seen 'you', for years. time to call in the big guns here..dont be afraid to show yourself,,yes,,he may be a little surprised that his wife suddenly wants attention but lets be honest,,many men who,s wives didnt pick at them to spend time with them and the kids would go out for 'me time' whenever they had free time,,it just wouldnt occur to them that there is a life inside the walls of their home,,things slide and you pick up the slack,,ALWAYS,,he really isnt needed for anything other than work so when he does come home or has time off he wants to spend it with those who make him laugh,,have fun,,have a manly chat,,he has forgotten that in the years it has taken to get this family,you and he have let your relationship go. give him plenty of notice,,give him a time and what you have planned,,make it sound fun,,i know you shouldnt have to arrange this as well but lets face it,,he has no clue does he...make some family time,,go somewhere and when you are there,,take small steps,,hold his hand,think about what you would like him to do to you and reverse it,,he may find it odd after all this time but he has forgotten,,not never experienced,there is a about you and him not just the kids,,this time needs to be about you and him ,,in a romantic way,,a way of saying,," here i am,,hi",,play,,be silly,,as it is all new it may feel false but stick with it,,one chuckle can lead to a laugh and one laugh can lead to a gentle nudge,one nudge can lead to more laughter,,just get the juices flowing for a good day and see what happens and if it does go really well,,dont stop when you get home,,its the small things that get taken for granted,,the passing touches,,the silly name calling,,the suds being blown in his direction when you (or him) are washing the pots,,if you can crack a couple of days it could improve your relationship greatly,,its good to have a family but what use are you or he if you are walking round with a face like a wet weekend. good luck hun.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

You have your hands full in more ways than one. You have to take care of 5 children, that is a job! Now what is wrong with Prince Charming that he can't pick his butt up and drive himself to work for heavens sakes. You have to load all 5 kids in the car and out just so he gets to work. That would change real quick. Now he wanted to be there in the making of these kids, he needs to be there for ALL of you now too. So what gives him the right that when he is off of work he gets to take weekend trips to see his family and what, leave you to watch the kids more. No way! Haul the ENTIRE family to his family's house. Then maybe you will get to be with him for awhile. And the relatives can watch the kids. And not sleeping in the same room, what is up with that. It was ok to sleep with you to make babies but not now. There is so much that is wrong with this picture. I have a friend that has 5 kids also, 2 sets of twins and an older boy. I know how busy they are too especially when one of the babies has diabetes and the older boy has leukemia and the list goes on. So please, your hubby needs a wake up call. I realize it is busy and he needs his sleep since he is the provider but don't think that you are not of value, because your job is much more important than any one elses. YOUR MOM! That is very important! You are important. And you need to sit down and talk to hubby and say, listen I need some time for me. I need a nap so now its your turn to watch the kids. Or take time for you by taking an online class in something that interests you. Take time for you by treating yourself to a manicure, pedicure and better yet, a full body massage. Because if you don't start taking care of you now, it will only get worse and you will start to resent your hubby. But he needs to contribute more than just his seed to make those kids. He needs to realize that he has a wife too that has needs other than changing diapers, running the kids around and combing hair. He is a big boy and can do all those things too. And give his lady a break for herself too. Tell him how you feel.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

WOW.. first of all... KUDOS! what a great mom you are! It does sound like you need a break and some "lov'n" Let me tell you this. Men think "dont fix what is not broken". If they feel content, they arent going to do anything to make it better. He thinks that you are happy. He thinks that things are good. The house is clean, kids are good, dinner is cooked.. what more could he ask for? My advice to you is.. DELAGATE! Tell your kids what you need from them. The 3 oldest ones are old enough to help you with some of the load. Tell your husband that you need more from him.Dont be nasty about it, but let him know how you feel. Maybe take the kids a couple times a month to gmas and have a night alone for the two of you. It is better that you start now so that you dont start to hold a grudge that he puts all of this on you. Make at least one night a month for a YOU night. Go out, eat dinner with friends, or something like that. Let your husband be "you". Good Luck!

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

Have you told him what you are talking about I have been married for 44 years and if you don't tell him or her how can you start to fix things up communicate its the answer don't be afraid he is probably wondering the same as you ok what happens if it leads to a fight its fun making up go for it tell him.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

I understand how you feel. Since you wanted the big family and you really enjoy the kids, I would say that you might as well continue to enjoy them. "They grow up so fast" is what people used to say to me, however not everyone has six kids, and sometimes ya think, they don't.

Your husband sounds more like a pet. A pet with a paycheck. I suggest you have him neutered though. He sounds as dependent on you as the children.

Make him take on more responsibility with the children, get him up, and tell him the family he needs to visit is in the other room, not on some weekend trip out of town. You have the keys, so start a hobby, take ceramics or join a quilting club, or visit your Friends and family for a weekend now and then. A couple of hours here and there, ALONE. You don't need to feel guilty about getting away from the kids now and then. You can lose yourself, I did, so don't, it is not a pretty picture when you run into yourself when the kids are all grown.

If he won't hire a babysitter to take you out, or spend a weekend with you, you really need to make him understand how you feel. Child support for 5 kids is pretty steep.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

Oh well you know that saying about opposites attracting. You know you answered your own question really . Why are you complaining ? You got what you always wanted. RIGHT !!! Maybe not quite eh . I think even if your husband is tired you should atleast still try and sleep together. You obviously used to, hence 5 kids. I am not suprised that you feel like you have lost your own identity, probably because you certainly have. You and your husband need some time together and find yourselves again or l hate to say it but you will end up drifting apart caught up in your own little worlds. Surely you must have family or a good friend who will take care of the kids for a few days so you and your husband can take some time out for yourselves. Quite frankly l really believe that is probably all you need to rekindle that old flame that l'm sure is still burning somewhere amongst your busy lifestyle. If your love for each other is strong enough , you can survive anything. Believe me l know . Best Wishes for a long and happy life together.

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

Lets put it this way wanted a good husband and big family got both but still complaining...i can't for the love of God understand..why you didn't see this occurring when you decided to have plenty kids god bless them.. it's be on me ..he dose 3 shifts to put food on the table .lost his sex life.. family life.. social life ..because you wanted a big family ..and it's all his fault ..have you tried getting baby sitters you can go out and have some time alone with your got your self in this fix it's to late to do anything about it now one would touch you with a barge pole ..meaning who would care for you and your kids..and do every thing else you want..

You said you are a homemaker ...don't be a home breaker .. stay in there ..God knows how much you are appreciated ..good luck

Have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

Number one....I would stop shuttling him around! If he can't drive, or doesn't want to...let him catch a ride with a neighbor who works in the same area as he, or a fellow co-worker. Or let him use public transportation.

Next, I would demand that he take the whole family on these weekend trips to see his family, after all, they are now your and your childrens' family too. As for him just going out on the weekends....tell him he has to take at least 2-3 of the kids with him when he goes.

He should only sleep for 8-10 hours after he gets off his night job and then he should get up and spend some quality time with you and his children. If he does not agree to these things, then ask him how he would like to have a divorce and see how that strikes him.

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